So long, Mom

And just like that, she was gone.

The person who loved me most for more than 63 years, my Mom, died today after suffering from a fall-induced brain bleed nearly a week earlier, and I have never felt more alone.

It's not a matter of now living by myself. I lived alone for a number of years when I was in Hays and Emporia. No, this alone feeling goes much deeper. It's an "I'm an orphan now" sort of alone. Sure, I have an aunt, uncle, and cousins, and well as a number of good friends who have been quite supportive through Mom's most recent health issue, and I know they will continue to be so. Nonetheless, my immediate, core family is gone.

I will quit feeling sorry for myself, however, as this post is about Mom, not me.

A good life

Despite hardships, Mom's was a life well lived. 

She was a product of north-central Kansas. She grew up on two different farms on the outskirts of Barnard, a small farming community in northeastern Lincoln County where during her senior year, she was elected homecoming queen. 

Even as a youngster, her infectious laugh and ability to find the funny in life was on full display, often getting Mom in trouble with her teachers. It did, however, garner her many friends throughout her life.

Friends and family

Mom's community of friends came from all walks of life. She made friends at a number of jobs, including working in several offices in the old Saline County Courthouse (now the senior center), where she met my Dad. Mom swore that Dad was the driving force in their courthouse romance, but Dad always insisted Mom chased him around the building. Mom also worked for First National Bank (now Sunflower Bank), Morrison Grain, and a debt-collection business.

When I was young, Mom was a stay-at-home mother and parttime child care provider, however, she went back to work after I was in school. We didn't have a lot of money when I was growing up, but I never realized that until I was an adult. Both my parents made sure my childhood was a happy one. 

One expenditure they agreed on was buying books and subscriptions to kids magazines for me. In fact, my love of reading can be traced to when I was still in the womb, as Mom used to read to me then from her own Winnie-the-Pooh books. She always said that once I was born and old enough to talk, I more often than not requested the Winnie-the-Pooh story, Heffalump and Things to Eat.

Like a number of women of her generation, Mom navigated the delicate balance of working both in and outside the home. She worked her butt off to make sure everyone else was happy. Mom was once accused by a distant relative of thinking she was better than everyone else. Nothing could be further from the truth. Mom always sacrificed for the betterment of others.

I'm not sure how she did it, but Mom also found time to participate in a number of clubs and organizations. Some were professional women's organizations, while others were religious in nature, including Bible studies. Mom even led a Bible study. She also participated in the Piece Makers, a sewing group that makes quilts and meets in the senior center.

Mom was attracted to like-minded people who shared her love of laughter. There was one neighbor friend from the neighborhood I grew up in who, when she and Mom got together, watch out! They could laugh uproariously for hours. Even in her later years, Mom would recall some of those laughfests and burst out in laughter once again. The neighbor's daughter, and my dear friend, and I do the same sort of thing whenever we get the chance!

Mom also developed long-lasting friendships with neighbors who over the years have become family. I spoke with some of them recently and they all mentioned Mom's contagious laugh. A couple of them talked of trying to get Mom laughing. Once they did, everyone was laughing the rest of the night. There were trips with neighbor/family members, and many nights of playing cards and celebrating family milestones. Those were good times!

It was family that meant the most to Mom. She was definitely a daddy's girl and thought the world of my Granddad. Once Granddad passed in the mid-1970s, Mom held onto her memories of him, sharing them often, especially with me. Although I resemble my Dad's side of the family, Mom saw a lot of her Dad in me...a mantle I shall continue to wear proudly. Mom dearly loved her younger brother and his family. In later years, when one of the girls (my cousins) or my uncle shared family photos on Facebook or via text, I made a point of showing them to Mom. They quickly brought a warm, loving smile to her face.

Health concerns

While Mom had some health issues throughout her life, for the most part, she was healthy and happy. About 13 years ago, however, she was misdiagnosed by her then doctor's PA, and developed a particularly nasty case of shingles, which required her to be hospitalized for a week. She never really ever recovered.

It seemed that her health went downhill from there. A few years after the shingles incident, Mom was diagnosed with Parkinson's, a "progressive disorder that affects the nervous system and the parts of the body controlled by the nerves." (Mayo Clinic, April 5, 2024) It's the same disease that actor Michael J. Fox has. Parkinson's also comes with dementia. I started going with her to her neurology appointments.

We were fortunate that she didn't develop the hallucination component of Parkinson's. Medicine helped control most of Mom's shaking from Parkinson's. It was the dementia, however, that proved to be more of an issue. Mom's short-term memory had all but disappeared by the time she died today. She also had some not-so-short-term memory issues. About six weeks ago or so, Mom looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Where's Leslie?" It took all I had to not burst into tears. 

In a strange twist, Mom's food preferences also changed. Suddenly, my salad/veggie loving mother requested tacos, pizza, cheeseburgers, chicken nuggets, and Cozies.

After Dad died last year, I became Mom's primary caregiver. She didn't want home health help. The thought of anyone else in her house agitated her greatly. 

We each had our own chair in the living room, where we spent many of our waking hours. Mom liked to watch the news and she enjoyed Wheel of Fortunate, both of which we watched nearly daily. Despite her cognitive disabilities, Mom was fairly good at solving the Wheel of Fortune puzzles and we had an unofficial solving competition. She also loved to watch the Royals and all sorts of football, especially the Chiefs. We also spent time, when the weather was nice, sitting out front; Mom on the glider and me on the edge of the porch.

She was able to get around OK, especially if she used her walker, which she sometimes forgot to do. I doubt her walker would have done her much good Monday night. When she fell, she hit her head twice. Once on the wall and then on the floor. When I got to her, her eyes were mere slits and she was unresponsive. She also was tightly clutching a package of toilet paper that I was unable to wrestle from her. 

I called an ambulance, something I have had to do multiple times over the years for my folks. The EMTs were so nice and caring. Once they got here, she began responding a bit, but I asked them to take Mom to the emergency room anyway. I am glad I did.

I don't know which station they were from, but thank you Salina Fire for sending such wonderful young men!

Once at the hospital, Mom was responsive and chatting, though a bit slow. Her poor hearing accounted for some of it, I think. I explained to each new medical person which was the better of her two ears.

Mom had a scan while in the ER that revealed a small, but manageable brain bleed. The attending neurosurgeon told me that he thought they would be able to manage the amount of blood on her brain without surgery. He said that they wanted to keep her for a couple of days for observation.

While we were still in ER waiting for a room to open upstairs, Mom, who had been complaining of her head hurting, laid her head back and closed her eyes. I thought she was just resting as she had been through a lot, but suddenly, her arms and one leg began moving in strange ways and then she settled down again. A room opened up in ICU and they took Mom up. Two of the ER personnel escorted me up on a different elevator and told me to wait in the family waiting area outside of ICU.

A short while later, two ICU nurses came out and said that Mom had been sent back downstairs for another scan as she was unresponsive. I could tell by the way they phrased what they were telling me that Mom's situation had become much more serious. Once Mom was in her ICU room, I was allowed in. A short while later, the neurosurgeon came in and told me that in that short amount of time between scans, the amount of blood on Mom's brain had tripled. While the next course of action normally would have been surgery, he believed that because of her health and age, her chances of surviving were about five percent. He also said that if she did survive, she most likely would be in a vegetative state. Mom, he said, was in a coma.

As I had power of attorney for her, I had to decide whether to pursue surgery and a 95-percent chance of death or make her comfortable until she passed. Some choice, huh? Choose surgery that might kill Mom or choose to keep her comfortable until she died. Either way, she was not coming home. It was the toughest decision I have had to make in my life.

I chose to keep her comfortable, which was what the wonderful Salina Regional Health Center staff did for almost a week.

I can't begin to express my gratitude to the folks at Salina Regional who took care of my Mom, especially the nurses and specialty technicians. Salina Regional sometimes catches flack from the bitchers and moaners, but the folks who took care of my Mom were wonderful, especially the nurses and specialty techs in ICU and on Fourth Medical. 

The doctors, both the neurosurgeon and the hospitalist, checked on Mom daily and made sure I was updated as needed. They also checked on my wellbeing. 

I am thankful for what the doctors, nurses, and specialty techs did for both my Mom and me. The nurses and specialty techs in ICU and on Fourth Medical were especially wonderful in helping me navigate through Mom's final journey. They checked on me multiple times and, when time allowed, stayed and gave me the opportunity to talk and ask questions. They truly cared.

When the neurosurgeon told me Friday that Mom only had about 24 hours to live, I made the decision to stay in her room with her. The nurses and specialty techs got me a pillow and blanket and gave me three options for a place to sleep. (I chose the reclining chair beside Mom's bed, but I didn't sleep much.) They also ordered comfort trays with tea, water, coffee, and snacks for me during my two-night stay with Mom. (Ever the stubborn woman, Mom decided to prove the doctor wrong and lived nearly 48 more hours. She was more tough than she ever knew.)

The nurses and specialty techs also comforted me when Mom passed.

Thank you, Salina Regional medical staff and caregivers! You are the best!

As I write this, out of the corner of my eye, I can see Mom's chair and for a brief instant, it seems like she is still sitting there. I know she has gone on to a better place, but I already miss her terribly.