I'm doing OK

Over the past two weeks, numerous people have asked me how I am doing. My response has typically been, "I'm doing OK."

It's difficult for me to believe that two weeks have passed since Mom's funeral. The past 14 days have been a blur. The spontaneous tears still hit on occasion, though not as frequently.

I am mourning the death of my mother, though truth be told, I began the grieving process months ago when dementia really took ahold of Mom. While physically, she was still my mother, mentally she was not Mom. I desperately wanted my Mom back, knowing full well that it would never happen. 

I tried to heed the advice of a good friend whose father had, like Mom, battled Parkinson's and the dementia that comes with it. He told me that the best thing to do was to be present in the world of the person with dementia. I tried, and I hope that my efforts in some way made Mom's journey easier and happier.

Within the last year, Mom found a new activity that brought her joy: coloring. Late last fall, I found one of my Christmas coloring books and began coloring. (I've always enjoyed coloring, and took particular delight when coloring for adults became a thing several years go.)

Mom asked what I was doing, and I told her, "coloring." Her response: "Well I want to color, too!" 

Now keep in mind, I had gotten Mom several Victorian/Edwardian coloring books back when the adult coloring craze was all the rage. She loved Victorian dresses and decor. At the time, Mom shrugged them off, but I dug them out last fall and set her up with her own tray of color pencils and a sharpener.

She had a blast!

Initially, Mom tried to copy the colors of the Victorian dresses on the cover of the coloring book. Eventually, however, she decided for herself what colors to use on the dresses. Her color choices were exquisite. In that small way, she was keeping her brain active. (She also read a lot.)

The most surprising thing, however, was that despite her hands shaking from the Parkinson's, she stayed within the lines and did a really good job! I made a point of checking on her coloring progress and complimenting her on her work. 

There were times when I would catch her staring off into space and I would ask, "Mom did you ever finish that picture you were coloring?" More often than not, she would reply, "I was just getting ready to do that" and she would get her coloring book and pencils out.

After Mom died last month, I lamented that I had never felt so alone, as my core family was gone. While that is true, Mom's death has heightened my awareness of a new family: family members and those friends with whom I am close who I have chosen to be a part of my family. 

This new core family in what is becoming my new normal has truly been a blessing. They regularly check in to see how I am doing. Sometimes it is a call. Sometimes a text. Sometimes it is a quick chat in the yard. They give me the space to grieve, but they also provide support and love. 

So how am I doing? I am OK and I will be fine, thanks to my family and friends. Some day, I might even color again!